I'm not going to lie

The point of this blog is honesty, right? I'm not going to lie, I totally cheated tonight. But... it had to be done. It was the perfect storm of reasons to smoke.

Tomorrow though, I leave the pack behind and spend the weekend with a number of non-smokers invested in my success. Back on track in the a.m. Many thanks to a reader who did her best to help me avoid this, but the third day proved pretty killer.

Sorry folks, but don't worry. All is not lost.

I take it back

Nicotine gum is not a placebo. The last piece I popped was absolutely lovely. Heading into the afternoon much more relaxed.

46 hours

I've often heard that the first three days of quitting is the hardest, and when I went to sleep last night I thought if that's true, this could be much easier than I thought. At the moment though, reality's starting to kick in. It seems cockiness will get you. Yesterday was a good day. I was social, I had beers, I ranted--all things that are usually accompanied by tobacco. But it went fine without it.

With the bulk of two days behind me, I'm starting to reason with myself, thinking that I've done so well so far, and it wasn't that hard, so it's not that bad if I have one cigarette now. What's one, right?

I'm fighting it. I might get a coffee. I think that could help.

Approaching end of work-day two

One of the things that kept me from quitting for the last little while is that two of my closest co-workers also smoke. One is my boss, and it is and always has been a solid means for bonding and exchanging information between the two of us. The other is my best office friend, a fellow 20-something who goes back and forth between casual smoking and not, and works on the other side of our office, so taking a break is the only time I see her.

Part of why I was able to tackle quitting at this specific moment is that I knew my young work buddy was going to be out of the office for two days for a conference, and I could avoid the temptation of taking a break with her. She returned this afternoon. I didn't mention it initially, and there was no temptation, but eventually when my eyes tired of staring at data for almost 7 hours I had to leave my office. I strolled down to chat to keep my mind off the urge to bolt for the elevators. And I broke the news.

Her response was "is that why you're ravaging that gum?" followed by "wow, I did not see that coming."

I think I'll hear that a lot over the next little while.

22.5 hours

I'm relatively certain nicotine gum is a placebo. It feels like it's mostly just beneficial to have something to grab and occupy myself when I think I should be grabbing a smoke. I mean, I'm only on my third piece since quitting. If I didn't already have 45 pieces in my purse I'd switch to Excel to test the theory.

And this post marks my getting through what is usually my morning smoke break.

Six hours in

It's been about six hours since my last cigarette, and on the whole, I'd say so far so good. On an average day I'd have had between three and six smokes in this time. I'm not really craving nicotine yet, but I'm hyper-aware of the fact that I'm not smoking. Basically, since 2:30 hit (the time of my typical afternoon break) I've been thinking "don't smoke", but I'm not too weird beyond that. It created a lot of nervous energy by the time I left work, so I walked an hour of the way home (about half-way) rather than taking the subway, and being on the move was a good call.

It seems I'm just fighting the habit at this point, but not the drug. The second my foot hits the out of doors I instinctively reach for my purse or pockets. I also just caught myself before accidentally asking for the requisite "large pack of Peter Jackson blue regular" when I entered my local corner store for subway tokens. And now I've just finished my first meal without an after-dinner cigarette, which is why it seemed like a pretty prime time for a distraction post. I think it's worked.

And we're off!

I smoked that sucker right to the filter.

Mind over matter

I'm about to go on lunch, after which I will have my last cigarette. I'm feeling pretty good about going ahead. I have a pack of nicorette in my purse and am going to try not to think about it too much. Honestly, I think the biggest deterrent to my quitting in the past has been that I'm continuously hearing how hard it is to stop. I think I just have to convince myself that it's possible. At the moment I think it is. This past year I lost over 50 lbs by making a conscious decision to change my lifestyle. I hope that approach is transferable.

It begins. Hopefully.

I started smoking the summer I was 19. I was working in a theatre/bar and picked up the habit by hanging with a lot of theatre-types. Grizzled crew men, ridiculously attractive actors, and perma-hungover front of housers (clearly, I fell in the latter category) who all enjoyed a smoke after the show (and before. And during). It was one of the best summers of my life, but I swore I'd quit when I returned to Ottawa for school and was out of this circle of friendly smokers.

And then I started writing for the campus paper, the staff of which were predominantly smokers. I made solid in-roads with the editorial board by chatting with them while taking a smoke break. I thought they were incredibly rad, and it was the first solid group of friends I'd made since leaving PEI. Needless to say I kept up the habit.

Several years later I found out two of the good friends I made that year that I remain tight with now were in very similar situations at that time. Little did we know we could have bonded by quitting our newly acquired bad habit then, together, instead of enabling and solidifying the worst idea we'd ever had.

Now it's five years later. One month before my 25th birthday and I think it's time to give quitting the ol' college try. I have three cigarettes left. The great experiment starts tomorrow.

I've started this for three main reasons:

1. To create accountability: If I'm writing about it, if people know, I've actually got to try. There's been dozens of times I've had similar inclinations to not replace a pack when I finish it, and I always cave. Now I'd have to explain myself.
2. To keep busy: I used to write constantly and haven't in ages. Hopefully this will give me something to do every time I think I should slip outside for a drag. Also, venting is great, and I'm sure I'll want to do it a lot. This will give me an outlet without driving any specific friend too batty with my issues.
3. Support: I'm not entirely optimistic about it really taking on my first serious try. But any kind words would be greatly appreciated and will likely help me through any crises.

In the future expect progress reports, explanations of why I'm trying now of all times, and perhaps some entertaining smoking-related anecdotes (I'll try to make them cautionary, so as not to get nostalgic).

Wish me luck. I should be out of smokes by mid-morning or lunch tomorrow.

Pictured above is my fourth-last smoke (hopefully).